This post is intended to make people think about what is “normal” and who amongst their friends and family may choose not to have the same definition of that. It is based on a minority view, but one which I believe is gaining wider acceptance. Slowly. I’ve begun writing this post many times in the last couple of years but never been happy to publish it as I’ve always ended up putting a negative spin on it which I feel could be controversial. This time, I think I have it about right, because I think I have it written about me. The comments are open if you disagree.

The title should be familiar to fans of Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. For those who aren’t fans:

Ford: It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.

Arthur: What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?

Ford: You ask a glass of water.

It shouldn’t be too hard to imagine that the language we use every day – English in my case – reflects the society we live in. And therein lies the clue to what I believe is one of humankind’s biggest problems.

This morning I have risen late and as I write this I am partaking in a liquid breakfast. While the phrase ‘liquid lunch’ is probably more familiar, you might guess I have an alcoholic beverage to hand. I don’t. I have a fruit smoothie that I made myself.

Yesterday, I got to thinking that if I didn’t have another drink soon I was going to feel bad about myself. Was I about to grab a beer to drown my sorrows? No. I need to drink water to avoid dehydration – otherwise I get headaches. For some reason I don’t feel the need to drink water as often as I should and I end up regretting my stupidity for not drinking it anyway.

I’ve only ever been stopped once at a Police drink-drive checkpoint. I was not asked “Have you been drinking?” on that occasion. It’s probably just as well, as I always imagine myself with some witty retort on the subject of water (or juice) and dehydration. It’s a silly question, really. Of course I have been drinking – or I would be in a bad way.

I’m reasonably often invited “for drinks” after work by various colleagues. I accept more and more often lately, because I am noting the reaction to my selection of orange juice or a Coke is often virtually nil, other than to order said beverage. Thankfully, the days of the quizzical look, the “are you sure?” or the occasional cajoling are largely gone. So yeah, drinks are appreciated. If you want alcohol in yours, that’s fine.

So, you’ve probably deduced by now that I don’t “drink”. Why? Because I don’t see the point and, in most cases, I simply don’t like the flavour!

I used to drink wine with a meal – that started when I was a teenager with the family Sunday roasts. These days, I don’t bother because the taste (I do sample every now and then) is not compelling. I used to drink a cold beer on a hot summer evening, maybe at a barbeque – but never if I was driving afterward. Some of the flavours were OK, but again never really compelling for me. I’ve never tried spirits and I don’t ever intend to. I’ve smelled some of them and I’m not compelled!

So I don’t like the flavour, but what about not seeing the point? It’s simple, really. I’m immune to alcohol. Actually, I’m abusing the language there. I’m immune to the allure of alcohol. It most certainly affects me.

On one overseas business trip I was ‘treated’ by my host to the “typical male pastime” of drinks at a strip club. I’m as red blooded as any straight male but the contrived nature of the place and the central role of alcohol meant I really didn’t enjoy the experience. But I was young and drinks were placed in front of me and – stupidly – I followed along and consumed two bottles of beer. I felt like shit that whole evening. Yup. Two whole bottles.

I see alcohol consumption as a type of religion. No child is born with a belief in things he or she cannot see or touch. Religion is something everyone is taught. I’m also unwilling to believe that anyone would develop a taste for alcoholic drinks if they didn’t have an expectation of their effect. Even in the movies you see screwed up faces after a shot of some potent spirit.

So I’m not a believer. I’ve lived 43 years so far without ever being inclined to ‘drown my sorrows’. Now, I will admit to a fairly lucky life, but depression can affect anyone and it is no stranger to me. I’ve dealt with family problems, hated jobs and redundancies and even self worth – all without alcohol. There is enough evidence in the society around me to clearly display it achieves nothing useful. So when things aren’t bad, I see even less reason to ‘lose myself’ in the effects of a mind altering drug. My mind is twisted enough as it is and I like it that way.

While we’re at it, I also don’t smoke. Never have. I’ve also never met anyone who can give me a good reason to start. I do understand that quitting can be a nightmare and I’ve helped someone close to me through that. But, again, why start? It’s that taught belief thing again. At least in the modern era when the effects of smoking have been well understood.

And for a closer, I don’t drink tea or coffee either. I can tell you that is the hardest of ‘societal norms’ to live without. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been somewhere and had nothing to drink because it’s tea, coffee or water! (Yes, I know, I should be drinking the water!)

So, I’m a freak, right? Yes, and I’m proud of it. I can see, often, the effects of alcohol and tobacco on our society and even of coffee. Yes, I know some of those people who can’t function without it – where’s the value in that? I see all this and I choose to be different because it’s who I am. I do have my vices, for sure, but that’s for another time.

Now I have just one request: Next time you want to invite someone “for a drink” or “for coffee”, stop and think what you’re actually asking, and what if that person is me?